literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
