you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
