i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
