His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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