Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
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I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize