i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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