Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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