apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
