When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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