Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
