Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
