I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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