chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
