He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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