I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
