I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
