I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
