i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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