P.S. I can't hear my feet
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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