I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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