I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
