Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
