I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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