I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
