3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
