I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
