Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
