I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
