OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
