You can't motorboat a personality
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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