i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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