He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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