I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
send nudes
from the living room?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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