Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
