At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
