Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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