Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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