I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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