That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
