My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
