the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
