i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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