Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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