I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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