y did u give ur computer a hand job?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
