Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
