I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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