I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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