we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
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He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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