omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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