So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
