literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
where does the pee come out of this thing
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
