Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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