you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
