Michael Bay diarrhea
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
