The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
